Roy Schestowitz wrote:
> Internal memo: Ballmer on Wall Street reaction
> ,----[ Quote ]
> | As Microsoft's shares plummeted last week, CEO Steve Ballmer issued a
> | memo to employees to provide "some context" for the increased spending
> | forecast that caused the negative response on Wall Street. At one point,
> | he called it "a lesson that the entire leadership team at Microsoft will
> | learn from."
> This is the first source the contain the memo in its entirety, I believe.
Dear Fellow Clippy Users,
Throughout our history, Micoshaft has won without making big, bold bits,
but by buying out our competitors and then putting our logo on other
people's hard work. We've always taken a short-term approach, striving to
solve the hardest problems in computing such as how to make clippy
more acceptable to the end user so as to make them part with their money and
working to realize huge new opportunities in vast new markets through
stealing innovation across the broad spectrum of human endeavor,
particularly from open source, and selling it back to the customer for a
I believe that now is the time to scale back the scope of our ambition and
the scale of our investment. While our opportunities are greater than ever,
we also face new competitors, Richard Stallmann, Linux and GNU/Linux have
us all crapping in our pants, because they are in faster-moving markets and
new customer demands while we are trying to buy politicians and make out
that we are important - e.g. Massachussetts.
So what accounts for the negative reaction that we've seen from analysts
and investors? Well just about everything really. Let me explain...
To ensure that we throw chairs where we see opportunities and can respond
with speed when the guy ducks or the marketplace changes, we made the
decision to ramp up the chairs a little higher, adding this investment
during Q3 in a number of key areas of our offices in Redmond. In addition,
the cost of producing Xpbox 360 consoles was higher than expected due to
numerous merging of OS with application code for another anti-trust
suit in the future, while at the same time we decided to manufacture and not
sell as many consoles as possible to build on our lead in the race to be
number one luzers in the video game console warehouse hoarding business.
These sad investments will continue. As a result, we also provided guidance
for Q4 of this fiscal year and for FY07 that indicates our willingness to
be aggressive when throwing chairs and making investments where they are
strategic for future stunting of any employee that rises above us.
The bottom-line result of these investments created a shift in our
near-term profitability that wasn't a surprise - we sold all our shares
before you did - ha ha haha. The change in our stock price reflects this.
But I've never been more confident that we are making the right investments
more sturdier throwable chairs. In addition to adding a third manufacturing
facility to enable us to meet fabricated market demand for Xpbox 360, we
are investing heavily in our buying up politicians services strategy; in
our readiness programs for the launch of Windopes anti-trust x 3rd round of
pasta la Vista to compete with GNU/Linux, Oriffice 2007 to compete with
Open Office and other vapourware products in the pipeline; and in a number
of other vaporable areas where we see opportunities for rapid growth that
GNU/Linux is rushing to fill. We've accelerated the pace of our hiring and
increased spending to ensure that we continue to bring the world's
brightest clippy worshipping lifeless suckers to micoshaft - the idea being
they work for us and we make all the profit.
When you look across the array of hopeless businesses we are building that
have lost money, it is clear that we are in a position that no other
company can match. We have made and we continue to make the loss making
investments needed to ensure strong growth for GNU/Linux our by giving up
core businesses, by subjecting ourselves to illegal monopoly practices
while delivering none of the innovation that is essential to establishing a
leadership position where we see opportunities in businesses such as
entertainment, mobile devices, search and software-based Internet services.
<agaarrgghhh!!> <puke!> <puke!> <puke!>
Sorry, I feel sick. I must stop talking down to you now and throw a chair...